I Wrote Fan Fiction....Bad WoY Fan Fiction....

The Musings of a Bored Office Drone

(I really enjoyed the premise for "Eye of the Skullship." I thought it'd be fun to write the snarky, daily observations of life in the Skullship from a watchdog's perspective. It's a drabble, so it's probably not going any further than this. On another note, this was poked at long before "The Family Reunion," so fanon Peepers sharing canon Dom's coffee addiction is pure coincidence.)

Day 1

Hey, I'm Kent. Kent Clark. Commander Peepers' new secretary...

A more accurate job description is lowly intern, though. I spent more of the day going on coffee runs than compounding spreadsheets or transferring calls.

The moment I arrived at work, he was standing there with his arms folded behind his back. He looked groggy, his cornea rashy red and veins popping out. The exact vision most watchdogs have haunting their nightmares.... Seriously, his stare makes me feel like an ant. No...an amoeba, or better yet, a subatomic atom.

Next thing I know, I shot off to the fancy coffee place halfaway across the gropping galaxy. It's this hipster joint where they actually hand-grind coffee beans and give the drinks more romantic and arthouse names than the mainstream stuff. The baristas even snapped their fingers as some kind of new wave experimental junk blared over the loudspeakers...

I had to go back at least twice since I didn't get caramel the first time or I forgot the whip and the frappa-lappa-ding-dong. Peepers is one of those artisan coffee guys. You know, the ones with ridiculously complex and elaborate orders.

On a side note, it's no wonder the guy's so high-strung. He's addicted to caffeine. I caught a glimpse of his office desk: littered with empty foam cups and mugs.

Day 3

Lord Hater, sir, if you happen to come across my writings, I hope you enjoy reading them..... Before the inevitable moment they're used as a convenient substitute for toilet paper, of course.  How about I share a little tidbit that'll blow your mind...?

Contrary to popular belief: Female watchdogs exist. And, Veronica has always wanted to go on a romantic dinner date with you.

On a far juicier note: The rumors are true, my fellow watchdogs. Commander Peepers' former secretary Tiffany ran off with Prince Brad Starlight...

I found a bunch of sappy love letters tucked into the back of Tiffany's desk drawer. Why she kept them there, I don't know, especially considering how much of a micromanager Peepers is. He ducks into my office at least twice every hour, the exceptions being a Hater hissy fit or a strategy meeting.

The best part? I even managed to read through at least two before my lunch break. She had it bad: She used neon colored gel pens, dotted her 'i's' with little hearts....Bad enough to rival Lord Hater's current thing for Lord Dominator. Maybe she should've given him some pointers before she left...? Grop, I wish I'd saved at least one for the photo-copier....Give you fellows something to snicker at since Andy left....

Stupid me put them all back in Tiff's hiding spot. When I went for my lunch break, I'm guessing Commander Peepers stalked in, dug them out, and threw every last one into the lava pit. How do I know? He drank at least one more coffee than the normal three today. Keep an eye out, Bruno. I know you're the one who has to take the brunt of Peepers' rants as the onboard counselor....

Day 10

Bruno, how can you tolerate this guy?!

Nothing I do meets His Highness' standards. I organize the filing cabinet, then an hour later, Commander is in here for forty-five minutes re-filing the entire thing. I send him a spreadsheet; he meticulously combs through the entire sheet, re-doing everything, and then sends me an angry e-mail. I swear I'm a minute away from getting canned every time he marches in. He's more overbearing than ever....

This started ever since Barb pressed the "no wedgies from superiors" issue. She bribed Lord Hater with a fake love potion in exchange for signing a complaint form and, bam, Peepers lost his favorite outlet for catharsis. He could easily overturn Barb. I guess he noticed that the accounting departments' efficiency went up by 10% since the new policy went into effect?

And....he got me started on drinking coffee. Hey Bruno, any advice on how to brain bleach bad poetry from the outermost reaches of the mind....?

Day 15

Lord Dominator blew my office to smithereens last week. Renovations are still in progress.

In the meantime, Peepers has been holding more meetings than usual, much to my chagrin. Typing up letters of notice for planets we'll be conquering gives my fingers enough workout. Recording meetings is enough to give me carpal tunnel. Gah! Peepers is so anal retentive. Seriously, I can break down an entire meeting to a few lines:

LH: Look at [newest attempt to impress Lord Dominator]!

P: [facepalm] For the thousandth time, she's not interested in you, sir!

[LH and P argue heatedly. Pat starts up a riveting round of Xs and Os with Phil. There's a fly bumping into the flourescent lights overhead. The fly is the most interesting thing in the conference hall. All watchdogs present are staring up at it, transfixed, as if this tiny creature carries the secrets of the universe.]

LH: [storms out, arms folded]

P: Okay! Here's what we do to take over [Planet X, Y, Z] and what we do to stop Lord Dominator. And here's what we do to make sure Lord Hater doesn't interfere and mess it up.

Pat: Can we order sub sandwiches now....? [Every watchdog, including me, nods fervently in agreement.]

[Then Peepers sends me on the dreaded coffee run.]

Day 17

Pat started wearing his "I Love Lord Dominator" shirt to meetings....

I'm going to miss Pat. He's one of the few watchdogs that isn't afraid to point out how long-winded Peepers can get and that watchdogs like to eat at around 12:00 in the afternoon. So shut up and let your gropping minions eat already, Peepers.  He also introduced Blintz Thursday.

Pat, you're an underappreciated genius!